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The BOG Story
written by Jake
Tale of the Bog
Once upon a time, there was a woodchopper named BOG(big overgrown German)
that lived in the darkest depth of the Black Forest who constantly pissed his parents off as he excelled at engineering principles. It wasn't so much that he excelled at the engineering principles that pissed them off, it was that BOG constantly tore stuff apart in the house to make them better to the point where BOGMO(BOG's Mother) could not do laundry, cook, find anything on her website, and she couldn't control the lawn mower as it ran too fast and the torque tore up the grass. She said he'd have to start wearing shoes and go to the land of rednecks as there was a place that BOG would fit in, as they have appliances on their porches and cars all over their yards that are torn apart and need fixin'. BOG was not convinced, so BOGBRO(yep, you got it) told BOG that there were trucks so big in the land of rednecks that not even the gods in Valhalla(located up the street from BOG's house) could ride in them. So BOG packed his trunk full of beer and a wrench set, said goodbye to JUG(jack-booted undertasked German),LUG(little undergrown German), and BUG(big underfed German) and proceed to the fabled land of rednecks. Along the way, BOG became popular with a group of girls GOBOGGO(groupies of BOG getting offensive), but their fathers ran BOG out of town as BOG's natural inclination was to start taking everything in their houses apart and make them better. So BOG hastily grabbed the RUNBOG(railway under BOG) and got the hell out of there. When the fathers of GOBOGGO described the man who they ran out of town to the police, the police put out a search for BOGIEMAN(big overgrown german installing equipment-man) and proceeded to track BOG down to put back together all the stuff in town, so the people could do their laundry, cook, find their websites, and cut their grass without tearing up their grass. BOG was getting kind of desperate, so he sat and thought and this was no help. After awhile he saw a beer truck, and drank the whole contents and naturally came up with an idea. So since he was in the land of the FROGS(Fat-really-offensive-girly-suckers) he thought he would paint himself all colorful and paisley like the inhabitants of Frogland and proclaim himself BOGART. BOG made lots of money at this, and the FROG people kept wanting to give him awards, but he told them he had to proceed to the fabled land of the rednecks and departed.
Years later while residing in the fabled land of rednecks, the inhabitants were happy having BOG as a neighbor, until he started feeding them to the BOG-MONSTERS as they were continuously bottomless pits, but anyway, all of their appliances on their front porches and the vehicles on their front lawns were still there but they worked. They no longer had grass as the powerful lawn mowers chewed up and killed every living thing, and the BOG-altered vehicles not only increased the amount of roadkills in the fabled land of rednecks, but this was a bonus to the inhabitants who now fed regularly on much larger items like deer and bear that the BOG-altered vehicles ground into the pavement. As BOG would still tinker with their stuff, the inhabitants of the fable land of rednecks decided that BOG needed a job far away from the fabled land of rednecks `fixing' other people's stuff, so they contacted the head of a company from the land of the Black Forest and woodchoppers to employ BOG full time, but AWAY from the fabled land of rednecks. Another reason was that the BOG owned the two BOG-MONSTERS that readily accepted sacrifices to eat, so the population of the fabled land of rednecks was declining. Seeing BOG's ability to develop endless gear ratios and electronics that appeared they could have only come from Valhalla, the head of the company from the land of Black Forest and Woodchoppers gave BOG a job fixing all of the feared `Shit-Green Monsters' that currently resided outside of the fabled land of rednecks, primarily as all the former workers quit in frustration as they couldn't figure out the endless gear ratios and just tried using bigger motors. This still wasn't enough to satisfy BOG, so he also gave him an RC tank that had pitiful motoring capabilities, and BOG was at last finally satisfied, and commenced developing endless gear ratio'ed motors and associated electronic equipment, and the world was forever changed and blue-collared comedians made a fortune telling stories about the people who lived around the BOG in the fabled land of rednecks. So the BOG forever rode around the countryside in his BOG-MOBILE with his BOG-MONSTERS hanging outside the window chewing on redneck body parts, fixing all the `Shit-Green Monsters' through-out the land.
Jake